Episode 8 – The speed daters part 2

Our primo speed dating experience made booking the next one a no brainer. We tried a different company this time, and the venue was somewhere close to Blackfriars. The bar was smaller, and the male participants fewer.  My good friend and I ended up sitting beside each other as we took turns meeting ten new guys. We had our pens and papers this time to make notes. 

There was one guy I was interested in. We ended up chatting for a good ten mins.  A shy director, recently divorced father of a 5 year old girl.  He wasn’t very tall. Boyish looking (surprise, surprise). Nice smile. I really loved slowly bringing him out of his shell. We had a nice convo. I thought we hit it off, but he was nowhere to be seen after the event ended. We didn’t match either, according to the report.  There were clues though in his body language. I was the one leaning in mostly, and he sat about three feet away from me, a bit rigid. 

One of the evening’s highlight, I must say, is running into this chap we saw on our first speed dating event. We got to chatting a bit more and he shared this was his first of four speed dating events this week. I officially bequeath him the nickname SSD — serial speed dater. He shared a hilarious story about a woman he went on three dates with but turned out to be running a whore house. A few days later, I found him on Hinge and discovered he was an around fix-it (construction, electrical) guy with a penchant for ballroom dancing.  Ahh. The joys of meeting interesting people!

Episode 7 – The one with the walker

A Saturday evening chat quickly turned into a Sunday afternoon coffee meet up. I love these short turn around times. I was also fairly relaxed meeting this gent. He was a legal advisor / journalist. He seemed friendly virtually. So I showed up ten mins late (yet again!), and was surprised to find that he was a person with disability.  Looking back at his profile, some things finally clicked. Ah. That’s why he said his greatest strength is ‘embracing his life’s journey with a walker by my side.’ And also, there was an actual walker in one of his photos. 

He was warm, very complimentary. He said he liked that i was smiling in all my photos, that i seem like a happy person.  He’s been living in the UK for 3 years now. He was new to hinge, and has gone out twice with younger ladies (21 year olds who mostly talked about their fave cocktails). He clarified that he had feelings in all parts of his body and that everything is working as it should. He had CP, similar to my uncle who passed away years ago. 

He shared what he was looking for. We had the same dating ideologies — get to know someone first and then the other intimacies would naturally follow.  We parted ways amicably, he alluded to seeing each other again. 

Takeaways : 

• I guess it’s pretty normal to be openly talking about sexual matters during date 1. Im not used to it, but it’s kinda refreshing. 
• Not really sure what else we might have in common, interest wise.  Hmmm.

Episode 6 – The 43+2 IT guy

Tis second guy on my dating list who doesn’t drink alcohol.  He seemed somewhat cool. He had sunglasses on all his Hinge photos. Finally someone in my industry.  Over chat, before meeting, i reminded him about my height, he assured me he knew and that he was also attracted to chubby girls.  And here’s a first: “you’ve not lost weight since your photos right?”  Oh wouldn’t it be nice if all guys were like this?

I suggested the venue, ensuring it was a bit of a walk from Paddington. And it was! I arrived 15 mins late, flushed, and thirsty. He was initially sat on the tall chairs, and i asked we sit somewhere closer to my centre of gravity. 

The date was… ok.  Nothing romantic. He shared that he was actually still officially married but is separated from his wife, mum of his 18 and 10 year old kids. He mostly shared his experiences in online dating. I was surprised at how candid he was about this girl he previously dated who was into violent sex, having had a traumatic experience in her youth. We shared a pizza, and in the end it felt more like two single people sharing their dating travails. In the end, i recommended that he try speed dating. 

He didnt ask much about me and i doubt we had anything much in common.  He confessed that he was actually 45 years old and not 43. 

Moving on. 

Episode 5 – The Speed daters part 1

Armed with our newly found gusto for putting ourselves out there, my friend and I signed up to a speed dating event. The selling point of speed dating was very appealing after weeks on the dating apps, swiping right, swiping left, chatting with nice guys, weirdos, and everything in between. Meeting single people in person and having a quick convo with them?! What’s THAT like??

Because I’d gone on a date the week before, I was feeling more relaxed about the speed dating thing. So relaxed that I had a ‘light’ dinner at Din Tai Fung, a sure sign that anxiety was nowhere present. Ms. appetite’s in town!

The bar is a club on Fridays, but today, it was a venue where large couches were spread all over. We got some drinks before the event started and chatted with a friendly tall bloke. A few minutes later, we took our places (us 15 ladies). The guys were asked to sit beside the ladies and when the whistle blew, the 4 minute quick chats commenced.

The whole thing flew by rather quickly! It was a mixed bag of guys, all shapes and sizes, ethnicities, and interesting jobs. I do like that we were sat beside each other, rather than across. My key takeaways:

• BE YOURSELF AND HAVE FUN. My mantra throughout the evening! And this served me well. I enjoyed myself, despite not having any matches at the end of the event. Going with a friend also helped tremendously.
• I met some people who I might’ve swiped left if I’d seen them on the app. It was a good reminder to keep an open mind about everyone, and not be too quick to judge (well, perhaps the point is not to judge at all).
• In a way, it felt like a work networking event, but with a subtle flirty vibe. Thinking about it this way made me relax and eased the pressure.
• Interestingly, most if not all the people we spoke with were frustrated about online dating. It felt good knowing that most people feel the same way. I wished I’d also spoken with the other ladies to see what their experience was like.
• Speed dating is a good test of how good one’s small talk game is. I did a bit of research on questions to ask in the 4 minutes, but it’s actually quite tricky to ask questions which didn’t seem too out of the blue. Asking about one’s job was a good convo starter for some and not for others (there was one guy who was quite sarcastic in his answer to the question, “what do you do?”). Instead of asking ‘where are you from originally?’, I think ‘tell me about where you grew up’ sounds a bit more appropriate.
• As per usual, some guys looooved the sound of their voice and didn’t have any follow up questions. Oh well. In person, on line… same difference!
• I didn’t have a pen and paper during the event, so I remembered only a few things about the people I met! Lesson learned for next time!

Episode 4 – The younger, nerdy one

July 2023. Enter the one who triggered a two-week reflection / rumination fest of the mind and heart about all my past forays into romantic love.

So been fiddling with my Hinge profile, as most professionals online daters do. I noticed that 3 out of 5 guys reference travelling in their profiles, and I got a bit sick of seeing it. Personal profile then updated to only have travel undertones — more food and movies forward. Stressed that I wanted someone who was kind. Also tried the voice prompt and posed a (hopefully) thought-provoking question on generative AI (oooohhh check me out, nerds).

Hello young, nerdy one. And by young I mean 8 years my junior. Profile photo showed he had nice light gray eyes. Very tall. Full figured like me. His profile prompts were on point, and he responded to my AI question. A first. Then ensued two weeks of daily, lengthy (running past midnight), and animated conversations on Whatsapp. It was mental how alike our tastes in music, film, and food were. Some chats about work and family. Mostly surface level small talk stuff. He worked in retail. Had a step sibling. Has a degree in music.

Two weeks later, we finally agree to meet in person. I was nervous and my thoughts were running a million miles a minute. Quite honestly, I disliked this part of romance … my wandering mind! Anxiously looking over my phone to see if he has replied; giving into the urge of checking his zodiac sign and demystifying what attracts them and if they’re compatible with the fiery Scorpio that I am; trying to figure out how into me he is and how that compares with how into him I am; internet super sleuthing about his online footprint (I found his Linkedin and Insta profiles); keeping wild thoughts of future things at bay…. TAKE A CHILL PILL, honey. I scolded myself! This is for fun! Like trying a new hobby. Everything is not riding on this. Think exploratory fun.

The day we met. I busied/distracted myself by cooking mid-day and working (more than usual). Just before I took a shower and sprayed on the precious remains of my Le Labo Santal perfume, I suddenly had a thought. I’ve not seen a photo of him with his teeth showing. He could easily have a gold tooth like the one from a few years back. And I swear, this mere thought put me at ease. I was anxious if he’d like me in person. I built his persona in my head, but the gold tooth possibility was a great reminder that I could instantly feel differently when I see him face to face.

We arrived before the agreed time. It was a bit awkward at first. We’re both a few stones more than what our photos advertised ourselves to be. I relaxed, the need to impress faded away. We ended up hanging out for 3 hours. I found out about his living arrangements, some of his political views (though I feel like twas a bit too early to be discussing matters as such), how we wasn’t too keen about travelling (though he’s been to a few places), and how much he loves his parents. There was a pub quiz a few meters from us, and he got distracted a number of times. We were mid conversation and he was listening to and answering some of the questions, which I found a teensy bit annoying.

I sensed he wanted to hangout more, but I was ready go back home. Outside the pub, I leaned in and tiptoed for a hug (he was a towering 6’1″). I was disappointed that he didn’t smell nicer, but at least he didn’t smell bad either. He asked if I wanted to be walked home, and I politely refused. I was dying to walk home solo and speak to someone to debrief. And I was suddenly famished. We parted ways amicably. He sent a nice message shortly after.

The butterflies in my stomach flew elsewhere that evening. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I realised how tense and anxious I’d been the last few days. I heartily ate half a Five Guys cheeseburger and slept soundly (the best 7 hours of sleep since we started speaking) that evening.

Thank you dating gods, for the marked improvement in the quality of conversations. Although, similar to the others before, I felt like I was asking most of the questions (yet again). I think this might be one of my super powers (asking questions to make people open up). This time however, I let some of the brief silences happen in between topics. I know I could fill them, but I wanted him to work a bit more.

As of writing, I’ve not closed the doors on this one just yet (sans butterflies and all). However, the Whatsapp convos are no longer as animated (albeit still pleasant), and no follow up has been scheduled.

Take aways about dating

• Don’t be too invested before meeting IRL (in real life). Try not to overthink it. Keep it casual and fun.
• Try not to let infatuation and anxiety consume you. It can go either way after the first meeting. And which ever way it goes, you will be ok! And you are still the same fabulous you.
• It is not unusual that online chemistry does not translate to in person chemistry.
• A good question to ask yourself after the date: “What is that one thing you like about him? That thing which can warrant a second date.”
• The more you do this, the more confident you get about online dating. So just try it out and work on your game / skills.
• Remember: GOLD TOOTH.

… and about myself

• I noticed that every ‘the one with’ entry I’ve written so far, talks about chemistry. Someone told me that chemistry is underrated. in the long run anyway. I realised that this is quite important to me. I want to experience that overwhelming feeling of connection and pull, even if it all turns out to be a love story instead of a life story. Just give me my romcom moment dengit. Haha!
• There is something different about me this time around. I feel more confident about myself, in my own skin. I know I have a lot to offer. I have a cracking personality. I am nice. I am accomplished. I am loved. If this romantic thing doesn’t work out, my fab life will go on. I’ve filled my life with many things which give it meaning and bring me joy. Also, my attitude towards dating also shifted. I’m no longer looking for someone who can be everything to me (travel buddy, partner, lover, best friend, etc). Dating will be one of the many activities which I can occupy myself with, like a hobby. I am more open to it than I was before. Case in point… me flirting with the cute estate agent while doing flat viewings. Because why not?
• That being said… I sense my hesitation to be completely vulnerable is still there. Building trust, dealing with uncertainties, opening up… well. Time will tell. But bring it on.
• I am kind of nerd myself actually! I happily binge watch comfortably in the sofa. But I know I need to get out there too. The eternally curious one who can’t be contained by the four walls. I am an insatiable explorer after all.

Episode 3 – The one during Covid

First entry in… 8…. effing…. years. Two flat moves, one pandemic, three vaccination shots, and a few extra pounds later… I am back baby! So what’s new, Peggy Sue? I said good bye to e-Harmony, sayonara to match.com. Everyone uses Hinge now, including me. Won’t get tempted to do the paid subscription. It took me 6 years to part with match.com, despite only using it for one year!

In the last 8 years, all of my adventures have been the travelling kind. Never was compelled to go back dating. Because why?? So much effort to log into the app everyday. Swipe left and right. Update photos. Update photo captions. Update prompts. Select a tasteful, yet sexy photo. So much work. And for what?! I’ve been very blessed with friends I could confide in, stimulate me intellectually in engaging conversations. Plus nephews!! Cute and adorable nephews have filled my heart with joy.

Anyhoo… despite all that , somehow in 2021, after a year of lockdowns, long walks from Notting Hill Gate to Buckingham Palace (and back), I found myself back chatting with someone in Hinge. A South Asian gent, who works for the NHS. His profile says he wasn’t very tall. He seemed nice in our initial convos, asked that we go out for a drink straight away (or… was I the one who asked him ? I can’t even remember).

So drinks it was. At this pub close to Charing Cross. At 4pm. I had somewhere I needed to be at 6pm, so perfect. We can keep it casual. I turn up slightly late and he was there. He got the first round of drinks. He was indeed not very tall. He had long-ish hair. We sat. Chatted. Or mostly he talked loads. About himself. He works for the NHS, or a branch of the government looking at the timings of vaccine roll outs. Lots of pharmaceutical stuff. Maths. Blah blah blah….

For 90 minutes, I felt like I was interviewing him. He was so eager to answer my thoughtful questions, and not so generous with asking them back. I knew half way that I was not seeing NHS man again. And so we parted ways. His last memory of me would’ve been my incessant coughing thanks to a mouthful of pollen. He did offer to get me a some water. I politely declined and coughed away. I ended by ghosting him. Sorry. I need to be braver and just be more direct. Is being direct kinder though? I’ve not cracked that one yet.

Take away from this one…

• Be not afraid to suggest an initial meeting, shortly after a few message exchanges on the app. Drinks, coffee. Best to know if there is chemistry or a connection, sooner rather than later. I asked a friend who’s been on several Hinge dates, and said doing this as the girl is ok! I suppose it’s just how to balance that with not seeming too eager.
• Red Flag – interview meee, meee, meee. Quality convos for me are gold (a second time this has come up in dating adventures). Observe if the date’s going interview style with you asking the questions, and him loving the sound of his voice. No thank you.

Episode 2.25 – The feeling

I’ve been trying to put into words what I’m looking for. Not a shopping list of must-haves or non-negotiables.  Or the details of a meet-cute.  In this seemingly infinite search for the one, I look to share this… certain feeling with somebody. A mix of comfort, acceptance, serenity, and happiness. Much like these songs.

Episode 2 – The Tall One

After some Uber maths (I shall explain in a bit), I finally signed up to match.com. I was contemplating about it for weeks after a bit of non-activity on my eHarmony account. A good friend pointed this out. My subscription to match.com is equivalent to a few Uber trips which I’ve made a habit of treating myself to.

A week into using match.com, I found The Tall One. Or I guess The Tall One found me. Browsing through his photos, I have to admit he seemed good looking. With David Tennant-esque qualities. His profile didn’t say much about him. It just said he’s a 36 year old student.

So a few winks here and there we proceeded to setting up a coffee date in Richmond. I asked for his surname, just so I had the complete deets for my wing woman. I knew little about this guy (he seemed sweet and good natured over whatsapp). Unlike the CD/DVD collector, he and I didn’t exchange emails for weeks. So I did what any normal person living in this age of technology would do– check out his online footprint. His Facebook account seemed to indicate he likes Asian women and cars. His Linked in account didn’t really give me much. I figured maybe he’s one of them types who doesn’t keep their online résumé up-to-date (I know my super experienced boss doesn’t).

Anyway, Saturday came and I met him by the Richmond train station. He was sat in one of the benches. I wasn’t sure if it was him. So! Here are the things I noticed when he finally stood up and approached me (in order)…
(1) He was tall. All six feet and 2 inches of him towered over me.
(2) He was quite slim
(3) … And when he opened his mouth to speak… Wait a minute. Was that….was that a gold tooth I just saw?! Ermmmm…. Affirmative. A gold tooth indeed! Very visible when he spoke. Ah hah. That explains all the tight lipped pictures.

It was a bit awkward in the beginning, but we managed to settle in a cafe to chat for a bit. Then we walked towards the river, and that was gorgeous! I wondered why I never got around to discovering Richmond. It’s so nice!! I was making mental notes to myself to take friends next time.

Anyway, back to the Tall One. If I’m being completely honest, The conversations weren’t stellar. It was mostly me asking questions. He’s finishing his degree, but he’s in construction. He’s unemployed at the moment. He hasn’t travelled much, but would like to. I have to say though. He was sweet and considerate. He asked me to send him a message, just so he knew I got home safe (Points for that!). He paid me a few nice compliments. A bit of a sweet talker I guess. In the end, I was actually relieved when the date was over, and I was on my way home.

I texted my wing woman to tell her about my date: “He’s got a gold tooth, and he’s unemployed.” Her response, “Heredero? Pirata?” Hehe. I laughed. Mean Girls mode ON!

The truth is, I didn’t really feel a connection, nor was I stimulated, which I now realise is pretty important to me. Plus being employed. Plus the absence of anything metallic in his pearly whites.

He’s asked me out again and my friends have urged me to give him a second chance, but not be too selective. So what the hey. Let’s give Jack Sparrow another chance.

Episode 1.5 – The excited sibling

If there are two people equally excited about about my debut in the London dating scene, they’d have to be my brothers. They’re thousands of miles away, but technology has kept us up-to-date with each others’ lives.
So throughout my Initial foray into the dating thing, my brothers have asked me a few interesting questions, revealing some of the cultural differences between here and there (back home).

So, did he bring you home?

Chivalry scores huge points back home, and most of the time, he who treats the date like a lady, scores big.   (Though thinking about this now… Isn’t this universal?) This includes being thoughtful about the other’s safety, hence the expectation of walking you to your door, or giving you a ride home.
Right. I’m all up for thoughtfulness yo! And although I know his favourite film of all time, Mr. Date was still a complete stranger. My residential address is reserved for date 5 or 6. This diff In expectation goes back to the tight circle of connections back home. A six degrees of separation by way or Kevin Bacon kind of thing.  You know at the onset that the guy you meet isn’t a psycho killer.  And if he turned out to be one, your friend, cousin, or whoever made the intros, will never hear the end of it.

Did he pay for your dinner?

My cousin, mom to her Pinoy-Brit teenage son, frequently reminds him that he is not obligated to pay for his date’s meal. Other people have shared that sometimes the guy pays for their meal, and other times they’d split it. Back home, generosity scores big points too, and footing the bill is not perceived as a feminist offence. Do You know that expression ‘best food forward’? I think that’s part of it too.

Anyway, I told my bro that I was quick to draw out my wallet and I ended up paying for coffee. And we split the bill even for the second date. My bro sounded disappointed.

In hindsight though, it would have been great if he did pay! Even just for coffee!
Did you guys take a selfie?! Can I see?!

I couldn’t help but laugh out loud when someone asked me this. I would love to meet a guy where our connection is instantaneous. Someone who wouldn’t shy away or be presumptuous about a selfie done in jest. That would be the day. Unfortunately the truth of the matter is most men are not like that, here there and everywhere! Couple selfies are meant for when two people are comfy enough with each other to proclaim in social media speak that they are seeing each other, or that things are friendly and platonic enough for the photo to have zero meaning.

(After coffee date 1) can you actually picture him as someone who you can introduce to us?!

Oh bless my brother for thinking in leaps and bounds. I reminded him that I was going with the flow and didn’t want to even think about him that way.  Sure, that small voice popped in my head, but it was quickly silenced by the stern reminder about not overthinking things.

Though mostly amusing, their questions fill my heart with joy, really. I can feel how my siblings want this for me. How they wish for me to find love, just as bad as I want myself. And it’s not in a condescending or pitying way. They’re one of the few people who I know genuinely root for me finding my Mark Darcy.

Episode 1 – the cd and DVD collector

I signed up with eHarmony because I thought their scientific approach to matching sounds solid.  Though it’s been a few months since I registered and actively participated in their communication process, matches have bore little fruit. Until about two months ago when I started corresponding with two guys, one more engaging than the other.

I admit I looked forward to receiving emails from him. And so I went on my first coffee date meet up. I was not as nervous as I thought. He seemed more nervous than I was. It was ok. It wasn’t too bad. I was quick and ended up paying for both our coffees. He wanted to carry on talking, but I left nearly 2 hrs after we started chatting. I didn’t really feel that instant chemistry. But I didn’t disqualify him. He asked me out again to see a movie. Which turned out to be a nice evening all in all. I was comfy. Felt totally like myself, even sharing a tiny scary fact about my huge family back home.  He revealed how old fashioned he was. For someone 6 years my junior,  i was surprised to find that he was still collected CDs and DVDs, and had not tried Netflix. Not that it was a deal breaker or anything!! (Look at me, the techie snob). It was just interesting.  He was a nice guy. Family oriented.  Not bad looking either. Though he reminds me of my cousin in LA.  Dinner and movie was fine. It was all fine. Just fine, really. Which perhaps is a clear indication of the absence of chemistry.

My whatsapp message to my friend about the movie date:
It was fine. I was more relaxed thanks to cocktails! I have to say I’m at ease with him, which might mean that the chemistry isn’t as much as I hope. Conversations were ok.  I think I scared him off with my-huge-family comes over my home during Christmas story. He kinda reminds me of British food. I bit bland, but ok.

So, what did I learn about myself:
– Though I’m far less techie than my brilliant engineer co-workers. I might be a techno snob. Who knew?
– I was pretty burnt the last time (pseudo-relationship wise), in terms of sharing  chunks of your life with somebody. All that time, all those emotions, with a pffffffft ending. I now tend to protect myself.

What I learned about dating
– Chemistry. Either it’s there or it isn’t.
– I need to keep my lady-in-charge personality at bay during the first few meet ups. Assertiveness apparently isn’t a quick hook.